Tranquility Parenting by Brittany B. Polat

Author:Brittany B. Polat
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: undefined
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2012-03-09T16:00:00+00:00

You Control Yourself, Not Other People

This is a tough one to teach to kids. But as we saw with our own parenting philosophy, understanding this concept is essential for happiness. So it’s very important to lay the groundwork as early as possible, even if young children can only understand the concept at a rudimentary level. But there is certainly one part of this guideline that everyone can understand: You control yourself.

When Clementine taunts James and he shoves her in retaliation, this rule comes out in full force. “You cannot control what Clementine does, but you can control what you do,” I tell James. “Even if she says something unkind to you, you are never allowed to push.” Or when Clementine claims, “James made me do it,” we talk about this concept again. “James can’t make you do anything,” I remind her.

This guideline is also extremely helpful in guiding kids to deal with problems at school. Clementine came home one day and said, “Zoe and Chloe were mean to me today. They said they don’t like my new haircut!” Hearing that your child has run into unfriendly playmates is a concern to any parent. And of course, if it is serious or persistent bullying, the problem deserves action from adults. But among four-year-old girls, I think the best strategy is to teach Clementine to stand up for herself without getting upset. Everyone is going to encounter unpleasant people and situations at some point in life. If we can teach our children how to effectively deal with unpleasantness, we will be giving them a wonderful gift.

In this case, I started teaching Clementine that her friends’ unkind words are due to their flaws, not her flaws. “Some children haven’t learned how to be nice,” I told her. “I know you don’t say mean things to people, because you already know how to be a good friend. But some other children don’t know how to be a good friend.” I could see the wheels turning in her head. “If Chloe doesn’t know how to be nice, it’s not because of your hair—it’s because she doesn’t know how to be a good friend. Next time that happens, tell her that she shouldn’t say mean things. And if she keeps on doing it, tell your teacher.”

It’s always hard to give good advice, and I certainly don’t think there’s just one right way to guide kids. But what I hope to show my children is that they don’t have to be upset by other people’s actions. If they feel sad or mad or frustrated, we can talk about how to work through their feelings and feel better. But when it comes to other people’s insults, I think we can teach them from a young age to not feel insulted. We can teach them to stand up for themselves—and for other people who are being treated wrongly—without getting upset.

Remember, the dichotomy of control in no way necessitates passive acceptance of injustices. On the contrary, it is entirely appropriate to take action to defend ourselves and other people.

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